We Wanted Independent Children. Why Are We Frightened When They Think Independently?
By Dr. Khushboo Srivasttawa
Counselling Psychologist | Family Therapist | Relationship Expert | Best-selling Author, Coach & Franchisee Partner, Patanjali Vedic Manas Yog (VMY)
Want your child to stop talking to you? Correct them before they finish. Question their choices, dismiss their opinions, and remind them your generation knew better. If nothing works, try: “You will understand when you grow up.”
Congratulations! You have ended the conversation. Whether you have understood your child is another matter.
Many parents are anxious about Gen Z: its language, protests, online behaviour and apparent disregard for social norms. Before calling a generation difficult, we should ask: Are we concerned about its behaviour, or about our declining ability to control it?
Every Generation Questions Something
Society has never stood still. From the Swadeshi movement to anti-corruption movements and new political alternatives, India has seen people challenge established systems and demand change. When people feel change is necessary, their voices eventually find a way out.
Gen Z is not the first to question authority. It is doing so in a world where a protest becomes a video, an opinion becomes a meme, and a disagreement reaches thousands before anyone understands what started it.
There is another side we must not overlook. Young people are creating businesses, developing technology and exploring sustainable solutions. We celebrate their independence when it produces innovation, yet become uncomfortable when it questions our opinions. We want independent thinkers, provided they reach our conclusions.
The Gap Between Raising and Preparing
Previous generations faced scarcity, restrictions and limited opportunities. Discipline, sacrifice, service and obedience often helped families survive. Many parents worked hard to give their children a better life; today, we work to give them more choices.
But providing a better life is not the same as preparing someone for life. We want children to be confident, yet feel challenged when they question us. We want them to make good decisions, yet often make decisions for them. When they resist, labels follow: difficult, stubborn, disrespectful, rebellious.
Disagreement is not automatically disrespect. Nor does independence excuse abusive language or aggression. Boundaries and accountability matter. But explaining behaviour is not excusing it, and labelling a person is not solving the problem.
What Are We Avoiding at Home?
I meet parents who fear the teenage years before their children reach them, and others who feel every disagreement with a teenager or young adult could become a battle.
We discuss marks, careers and achievements more easily than anger, relationships, sexuality, identity or online influences. Then we discover our children discuss these subjects elsewhere. We blame the internet, their friends or the generation itself.
The internet offers information, not automatic wisdom. Young people need guidance about consent, privacy, boundaries, respectful language and consequences. If we avoid these subjects because they make us uncomfortable, we leave children to make sense of them without us.
Silence does not remove difficult realities; it removes an opportunity to talk about them.
A Practical Way to Begin
My approach, Comfortably Uncomfortable Conversations, begins with a simple idea: you do not need perfect words. You need to enter with care and know when to pause.
- Soften Your Expression
Keep a gentle smile, breathe slowly and give yourself a moment. This is not pretending everything is fine; it creates space to respond rather than react.
- Ask Before Opening the Subject
Try: “Can we talk about something uncomfortable? I want to understand your side, too.”
- Explain Without Forcing Agreement
Share your concern, ask questions and listen. The goal is not to win a debate; it is to understand the issue and discuss what needs to change.
- Pause When the Conversation Stops Helping
If neither person is listening, acknowledge your part: “I don’t think I’m finding the right words today. I’m sorry. Let me think, and we can talk again.”
The point is not to avoid disagreement, but to keep it from closing the door to understanding.
We Raised Them. Can We Hear Them?
Our children do not need us to agree with every choice. They need guidance without humiliation and boundaries without silence. They must learn respect, and we must show them respectful disagreement. If conversations repeatedly break down, professional help is a responsible step.
Gen Z does not need another generation telling it what is wrong with it. It needs adults willing to ask better questions, hear uncomfortable answers and guide without shaming.
Parenting was never about raising children who agree with us forever. It is about preparing people who can think, choose, care, question and take responsibility.
We raised them to face the world. Let us not punish them for trying to understand it differently.